i love lennon.
he's beautiful.
just a simply beautiful man, simply beautiful words.

the boyfriend is coming for christmas eve dinner.
i'm jewish, my dad's christian and christmas has never been weirder.
no grandmother's house, first time ever. i mean, ever. it's a little sad. but i don't like my realitives anyway. bunch of dumb shiksa goyim.
i totally don't get to see my aunts wear those gay ass christmas sweaters. that's actually a little depressing. i mean, people really try to make a fashion statement about it. sad. but omg, it's so bad it's good.

it's so bad it went past good and back to bad again

i just thought of something.. if i could be in two places at once, i would. i totally would.

oh, and christmas morning.. no presents. daddy has work. the little kid inside of me, is crying. tradition totally got it's asshole fucked this christmas. oh well.

i'm starting to think i'm not jewish.

maybe i'm just not a real person.

maybe none of us are.

lalalalalalllalaalaalla.
i'm not on crack.
but, i sure am high on life.

my brother better watch the goddamn muppets with me tonight. if he doesn't i will never forgive him. ever.

<3 food for thought... ?

it's christmas- time. too bad i'm jewish. ha. okayyyyy so, i do celebrate christmas. lol. as someone put it, "i cash out twice".. true. anyhow. i should be all jolly, right. and i am. i really am. i think. sometimes. i got pretty good grades on my progress report. everything with the friends is doing pretty good. i miss becky and liz like it's my job. oh, and alex. i miss her too. this time last year i was fine. i was nearly stable, but slowly falling to pieces. around this time, everything changed. in fact, one year ago, today. it hit me. people suck asshole. well, those people anyway. i look back on everything... and i realize that i had everything i needed from day one. why would i trade in the most wonderful group of people in the world for anything else? i make dumb fucking decisions. i need to work on that.
someone got me thinking about how i am.. and what i do.. and say. and how it's so fucking contrary to who i really am sometimes. less now, than ever before, and i can assure you that. trust me. i think we all do it, though. well, those of us who want people to stick around for more than five minutes. who the hell would talk to someone who came right out in the open and spilled thier true self... "hi, i'm ashley.. i'm pretty happy, but my emotions plow through me like a train through a slab of sheetrock... oh and i've got hidden issues, i'm a closet nutcase.. and a pervert." yeah, right. you see what i mean.. lol. i'm serious about the emotions thing. it's fucking scary sometimes. today i fought with my mom. (i was going to make this another paragraph, but fuck it.. i'm ranting) it was about college stuff. she says she's sending me to college whereever she wants me to go. right, being hofstra.. and a few months ago i would have loved her for it. but now, now.. everything is different. and as much as i would love to deny it, it's partly because of my boyfriend. i love him, dearly. and i honestly believe that i'm madly in love. oh, and i fucking hate love advice. never ever ever ever ask me for any because i might punch you in the face. and if you try to dispense any, i might do the same. people are always like, "well, if you have any questions in your mind.. then it's not love. you can't be in love". fuck that. socrates fucking told us to question everything. and you know, socrates is the man. so i'm gonna question it. i'll question whatever i feel like questioning and i'll be happy doing it. i don't get nervous, i don't feel ashamed, i don't feel insecure. he's everything that i could ever desire. he makes me feel like i make a fucking difference.

sorry for the overuse of the 'f' word. it adds emphasis. and yes, this is how i actually talk. scary, isn't it?

i don't understand how i went so long without feeling this good. i felt it before, just not like this. when we fuck, it's not fucking.. we make love. and i'm serious. and then we just lay there in the nude, holding each other... using the word "forever". sometimes, i feel like john and yoko. minus the hippie-ness, marijuana, lsd, and music career. he says that he's never done that with any girl. ever. and that most couples just get dressed and go about their business.

well, that's just fucking, isn't it? yeah, well i wouldn't do that. never. i'm not some dumb whore. yes, i have sex. with one man. and he could be the only one, ever. that sounds retarded. it is. don't worry, i know that.

someone told edison that lightbulbs were retarded.
someone told graham bell that telephones were ridiculous.
someone told washington that a free america could never be.

they were wrong. all wrong. and, you know what, they're still wrong. i know i'm an emo little fuck when it comes to romance. it's true. last night i nearly cried in the car. we sat there with the stereo on really low, in front of my house... the windows fogged up and i could see the rain drops slowly, lightly pegging the front of the car. and he held me.. and told me some of the sweetest stuff i ever heard... it was truly beautiful. but, i love him. i'm in love with him. or am i just convincing myself? i don't know. i'm questioning it. thank you, socrates.

so, the fight on the phone with my mom was about college... and basically she's right. i am looking to be close to him. bad reason? i don't know. why would i go up to long island if i'm not going to be happy. i really don't want to think about college right now. i don't really want to think about anything. at all. ever. i think i just wanna be in a vegetative state. omg. that sounds terrible. i just said i wanted to be in a coma. lol.

last night, i thought about soccer moms. i want that. i do. i want three kids, and a suburban house with a fence in the back and a yellow lab and some goldfish. and sometimes i wanna give up my lofty goals and just be a teacher, like a normal kid. but no, not me. of course not. me and my AP classes, and hard work. it would be ashame to just blow all that for an idealistic future.

hmm, well.. i don't know what i want. i never really have. i've known what society wants. they, want me to pair off with someone of the opposite sex, marry, and make babies, be a good, moral citizen of an economically moderate suburban neighborhood. (that's pretty much close to what i want.. except i'd like to be a bit wealthy.. lol) i know what my mother wants. she wants me to go to college in long island in order to get a job at a prominent tv station, and snag a welathy jewish long- islander.. mmhhmm. sounds good, right? i'm more romantic than functional. so, that makes me un-functional...? or.. dysfunctuional?... lol.

maybe i just won't go to college. that would really be a waste of my intelligence... then again, kermit cintron didn't go to college, really. and look at him, national welterweight boxing champ or something... yeahhhh gotta love tennent inspiration.

there's so much i want to see, and so much i want to do. i'll do it. but, as of now, i know i want to do it all with him.

irony: am i too good for him?

... that's what she said.

other than that, how did you enjoy the parade, mrs. kennedey?

god damn, life is a cynical warped bohemia, trying to correct itself or something. i dont know. i really don't. huckleberry finn, i think you had it right, ignorance is absolute bliss...

but, if that's the case.. why are so many of these fuckfaces so sad?

<3 enjoy life, it's too short to bitch (wow. irony at its finest)

he used the E word.
it's bothering me.
it's possesing me.
i hate it.

but, i love it. i'm excited and scared out of my mind.
it's a long way off.
but it's changing everything.

what to do...?

I guess the Beatles hit it dead on with that one. Seriously, when I'm with him.. everything is perfect. I was half asleep cause we were watching "Spy Game" and after he was done hand- feeding me popcorn... lol. I fell asleep, as I was waking up.. I saw him standing there smiling. As if he'd been watching me sleep. (currently he's getting on my nerves... whatever)...

(and to interrupt this mushy love story.. the boyfriend gets jealous...)

now, back to my story. so, we watched Swordfish first. It was a good movie. I like it. (removing personal details here... apparently the boyfriend doesn't want people to know about our sexlife.. hmm.. lol.) so, make up your own perverted sex scene.. okay.. done? rightttttt.. well, he got me subway.. lol. so sweet. then he started talking about the army. ugh. i hate that. makes me cringe.. and throw up in my mouth a little...

my mom thinks i see him too much. she's completely correct. he's my life right now. i don't mind though. but, i guess i'd like to see someone else for a change. like someone of the female sex... lol. (or justin)... i'm not making a mean joke. i just wouldn't mind seeing him. like, hanging with him and rachel painting the mural was so much fun. lol. anywhoooooo.. yeah she's getting pretty pissed about it too. whatever.

letter from an anonymous friend of mine..
"yeah, so i'm glad i've delved into bulimia, it makes giving head a whole lot easier.. i've virtually destroyed my gag reflexes. i mean, you'd have to stick something down there pretty far. and let's face it, mike's cock isn't big at all."

gotta love that girl. she'd kill me if she knew i posted that.

anywhore. i got like nothing done today. i lied to my mom and told her that i got all this crap done. lol. i'm a terrible person. i think i'm going to fuck up in college. oh, and i was talking to stav about it..

"baby, maybe you'll go to temple.."
yeah, maybe i will. not just because of him. the money. i wanna work at acme (i know i'm weird.. but it's good money). i'd love to be close to home. the philly news scene is just as good as nyc.. (okay.. that's a lie.. but it's pretty effing close).. omg. he randomly just brought the topic up.
"i don't know, i might have to move up there. an NYC cop, ick"

eh. who knows. craig asked me to hang out with him. i know what he meant. he thinks i don't know that he's ready and willing to cheat on his "girlfriend" with me. i told stav a tad too much about what was going on and the past of the whole thing.. hmm. he got really ticked off. i understand.

i
am
an
understanding
person

i also have low standards. i'm so glad only one person knows about this thing. it really is just me spilling my guts. i hope someone finds it and starts following my life story. that would be funny.

if you're out there, reading this. i am crazy. i do have a few issues, but i hide them. i'm a great actress. mad skills. you should meet me sometime. yeah, i'm the one people call spoiled. more like lucky... lol. I've got JAP issues. lol. i am melodramatic sometimes. it's terrible. my life is awesome. really, it is. i promise.

i
feel
like SYBIL sometimes

he's talking about the college thing now. engagement? no. this is weird.

it's even weirder..
because i think it'd work...




<3 oh dear, loveee

things i learned today:
1. don't stick five pounds of potato skins down the garbage disposal
2. don't tell bf's friends about sexlife
3. it's okay to sit in pjs all day
4. sleeping in is amazinggggg
5. messy room= no fun
6. some people exaggerate. it's funny.
7. bf is a workaholic
8. rachel and justin really like to wake me up... lol.

ETC.

the bf is pissed at me. i can see why. ew. i'm gonna call him.

<3 loveee and such

I just wrote this whole long entry.
My computer like freaked out.
I'm pissed.
Really pissed.

I can't believe I have one of these again. Marni told me to make one. So, I could see her pictures. But, I suppose my rants need somewhere to go. I mean, we're writing these journals now in AP English.. and mine are so cynical. I hope she doesn't actually read them. Oh, if you're reading (and I dont know why you would be)... my writing style reminds me of JD Salinger sometimes. I mean, I really don't mean to sound like Holden Caufield.. it just happens. I'm writing exactly what I'm thinking. It's true. Since this is a new journal perhaps I should create a cast of characters in my daily life...
Mother (mama- bear)- best friend, we actually haven't been getting along lately.. sometimes i think she's crazy. I love her to death though.
Dad- very funny, borderline moronic at times
Brother (t-roll) (branderson)- best friend, but we've got our major differences.
Justin- been my friend since freshman year, we dated sophomore year
Rachel B.- hilarious, been friends for a long time
Marni- new friend, we make each other laugh a lottttttt, i'm glad i met her because we're kind of a lot alike.. but really different as well
Stav- boyfriend, we spend a lot of time together.. a whole lot
Becky (becky boo) (rebeccanicole)- one of my best friends
Alex- another very very good friend
Liz (elizabeth)- one of the most amazing people I have ever met, therapist, confidant
The Whore (dana)- omg. expect rants.


I guess that's all the main people I interact with daily. There's others obviously. lol. I do pretty well in school. Well, I used to be hardcore into school, then my boyfriend came along. lol. Thank god. Now I have a life. He actually is my life (which is pathetic) lol. I am currently suffering from senior-itis. It's pretty horrible. lol. I just don't care. But, I want to.. I really do. lol. I blame it partially on myspace. Honestly, it's so addictive. I'm a pretty addictive person though. Gum, diet coke, myspace, etc. lol.
Sometimes, I say really really JAP-py stuff. I don't mean to, I promise. And, I'm not a bitch... okay.. lie. I am. lol. I say what I mean, and if I mean something bad.. well.. that's just tough shit, ain't it.
I have an attitude.
I think I'm ugly.
I love my hair.
I have weird feet.
I like my cheekbones.
I need to pluck my eyebrows.
I rarely shave in the winter.
I pretend to have morals.
I tell people too much.
I love my parents.
I love sappy cheesy movies.
I think Jerry Springer and Maury are hysterical.
I am addicted to my boyfriend.

Well, we had off from school today. I had work from 9-3. It wasn't bad, just busy. In a bit I'm going to Bloomies with the mother (oh god..) to get shoes for Winter Ball and to get the dress hemmed. Then, dinner or something with the boyfriend. I have my period. I hate it. So does he. He said he wouldn't mind doing it anyway. GROSS!!!! That's just fucked up. I hope it's like last night. With our passionate mumblings and confessions of utter romance. No sexual touching. I liked it, for a change. Not that I don't like when he's intimate. It's just nice to know that he's in this for more than that. We watched Bedazzled. It was pretty good. I started falling asleep in his arms. Cute. (reference to movie)

Me: Aw, that's so cute.. he knows all this stuff about her.
Him: Hmm, chicken ceasar salads, mushroom pizza, pink roses, white tic- tacs, march thirteenth, erica, theatre, old no doubt...
Me: (smile, whisper)... best boyfriend ever...

mmhhmm.. perfection.


<3 mucho amor... and stuff like that.